FLATBEARZ

my therapist told me, or rather gave me a sheet of paper, that is about "replacement thoughts". basically, im supposed to write down thoughts during a situation, negative ones, and then write positive/opposite alternatives that are much better to think about. i already gave her my first one, "this is never ending", and she told me to think, "this is temporary". ive been doing that before i even got therapy, but i dunno how great it works for me. i always try to tell myself how anything bad or anxiety inducing wont last long, but in this case (the subject of the conversation being my mom).. eh, this is different. because when youve been in the same situation since 7 years old and youre now 22, it makes it hard to believe anythings gonna change.

so im trying to think of any other thoughts i have about this. i dont even know, really. i dont know how i feel. theres not much i can do. theres not much i can really say or feel, its just bleh and nothing and im so over this. and i dont think im so over this is necessarily a negative thought, just a reasonable one. i cant say im for it, thats for sure.

woah woah woah its been since august that ive posted!! nothing much has changed im just lazy and not really motivated. you know, i said when i started this that this would probably be easier than physical journaling because i always forget about it or lose motivation but this happens to me here too.i often cant get up, walk a few steps and open my laptop but i have been recently because my friends got me to start playing games again. this reminds me to update my website.

for news updates.. on the 16th i saw kmfdm live again for the 2nd time and they were wonderful, it was fun and i got a new shirt. im lucky concerts of theirs are so close by and so cheap. only 50 something bucks for balcony vip so thats what i got. i havent met the band yet but its because its usually too cold outside to stand around and wait, so we take off right after leaving the merch line. i dont need it anyway. id be happy if it happened but the fact ive been in the same room as them is good enough for me. thats kinda crazy.

other than that, ive been sleeping a lot, playing games and trying to eat i guess. i got real mad that my mom did not buy any food for a week a few days ago (because she would rather go out instead) but thats been fixed for now. im probably going to update my website. add more songs to my music page.

it hasnt even been that long, and yet its too long. too long that i havent posted, or updated my website, or done anything productive at all, probably. my desk is so dusty that it looks like i died and nobodys been there to clean it let alone touch it. only time ive been at my computer has been to briefly play a game with friends.

my life.................. in the past month - probably:

i went to the county fair on thursday. lots and lots of walking, rode the carousel for the first time since i was a little kid (i literally dont care if people think a 21 year old shouldnt be on a carousel, i will ride it anyway) and that hurt my legs even more (okay maybe i am too big). rode the tilt-a-whirl and killed that shit. ate a giant corn dog, had a cherry coke that mustve had homemade cherry syrup because it was VERY syrupy, ate fried cheese curds (wisconsin delicacy). bought some cool things and then some christian kid wearing a cross necklace came up to me asking if i knew where ill go when i die. tried to vacate that conversation as soon as possible.

yesterday, i went to the store and attempted to buy some makeup. want to try some sort of gothic look in the future but i kinda forgot that liquid foundation is good for that. i dunno anything about how makeup works, i have seven tell me everything. i found a black lipgloss though. do you know how hard it is to find white foundation and black lipgloss? apparently its super fucking hard and i didnt know, i looked everywhere.

then i went and picked up a book. luckily, they have some harlan ellison books in my area. his compilation book and also 2 of the dangerous visions series. but its difficult because i guess all his stuff is largely out of print. either way, for now i picked up the compilation one thats got 19 of his stories in it and now im actually reading more for once. also, kleb allows me to read to him so this helps me practice reading out loud and also forces my brain to focus on one thing without getting up and having to pace around in the middle of reading.

...have i done anything else? i dont think so. im really really boring and bored and unproductive. if anything changes ill let ya know.

i literally need to go outside during sunset and frolick in the fields or something. like that might change something around. i would go outside more often but i dont have a car or anything so i cant really go to any different places, and also im not sure where nice big areas would be. at least at my old houses i could walk outside but now im next to a big busy highway or something. so annoying.

i wish i could teleport or something so i could just walk in a random quiet place by myself, then instantly go back home whenever i want. thats one of the only things i liked about going to school, being at the bus stop during sunrise by myself. its also so hot now, or at least getting there. i already miss spring. spring and maybe fall. warm weather with a breeze is the best, not high heat or cold. wahhhhhhhhhhh let me go outside by myself somewhere cool..........

today is okay. kinda weird. i got an air fryer finally. it was my moms 5 year anniversary at work so we basically got to choose something for free. air fryer was an obvious choice but i was tempted by the necklaces they offered too (unfortunately, necessities are more important than jewlery). so we got that today in the mail, works good but the new appliance smell annoys me to no end. 

after eating, i showered and, yes, it seems the towel/drying hair while up method helps a lot with my hairs volume. thank god. i still wanna try new shampoo and conditioner, though. also need chapsticks. but i look pretty good today, feel alright too. just need to wash my face now. its raining now, too. was pouring pretty hard earlier out of nowhere but its calming down now. i really like rain. its kinda calming.. when there isnt extreme thunder.

after venting before i felt guilty for some reason, probably since people have top read it and say.. "oh, thats sad". but everyone has problems, and im just not used to it. sharing, i mean. hopefully bad things wont happen so often! but, we'll see.. tonight...