dunno

Saturday, May 17th, 2025 06:20 pm
flatbearz: (cold..)
my therapist told me, or rather gave me a sheet of paper, that is about "replacement thoughts". basically, im supposed to write down thoughts during a situation, negative ones, and then write positive/opposite alternatives that are much better to think about. i already gave her my first one, "this is never ending", and she told me to think, "this is temporary". ive been doing that before i even got therapy, but i dunno how great it works for me. i always try to tell myself how anything bad or anxiety inducing wont last long, but in this case (the subject of the conversation being my mom).. eh, this is different. because when youve been in the same situation since 7 years old and youre now 22, it makes it hard to believe anythings gonna change.

so im trying to think of any other thoughts i have about this. i dont even know, really. i dont know how i feel. theres not much i can do. theres not much i can really say or feel, its just bleh and nothing and im so over this. and i dont think im so over this is necessarily a negative thought, just a reasonable one. i cant say im for it, thats for sure.

god.

Thursday, February 27th, 2025 07:46 pm
flatbearz: (hm.)
i. am. literally. the worst.

its been since fall since ive posted anything on this goddamn website because i cant be fucked to get on my computer and do simple things. i shouldnt beat myself up for it, honestly im not mad. just a bit of bonking myself in the head. but cmon, its been forever. i think the last update i gave was after my kmfdm concert in october. since then.. a lot has happened.

november.. i dont know. december.. christmas? i keep buying books and i got HARLAN ELLISON PERFUMES yes that exists. they smell like essential oils. ill mainly have them as a collectors item but i will wear them on a special occasion. if i ever visited his house or something id wear them, for example, i dunno. it has to be specifically to do with him, that just fits. which will be either forever away or never. i got a bookshelf for my books. some presents, like a necklace holder. i dunno.

january.. one of my best friends came back into my life, which ive never been more grateful. it was a busy end of the month for january. but i had high hopes for 2025 and i knew i was correct. so far, besides my life at home (which is always the same shit), its been good in terms of my social groups. i keep getting more books, able to purchase things ive never been able to get before when i was younger (that also counts for 2024 with the concerts). year of change.

february.. so far so good. i had my birthday on the 23rd and i am now 22. i think i say this everytime i get older about my last age but i kinda miss being 21, i feel like the number works. 22 is strange. but this means ill be 23 next year which is my favorite lucky number. MY number. so lets keep going to achieve it. i am buying more books, 2 being shipped to me right now to expand my collections. (especially harlan)

May 2025

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