FLATBEARZ

i exit my room for one moment to get something to cool me off, only to unexpectedly sneak upon a conversation with my mom and her old coworker. not a current one, someone who quit a while back. not anybody i knew while working there either, so ive only met this woman a few times when randomly shopping and all of those interactions were most definitely less than 2 minutes. so this is a person who knows nothing about me, my life, my behavior, not a single thing.

she hadnt even known my mom for that long before i started hearing about how she constantly compliments her and is almost.. weirdly obsessed with my mom. she said many times how jealous she was and how she wished my mom was her mom (gee, in OUR dreams, buddy). i always found it very strange and kinda funny because of how WRONG this woman is about whatever she thinks, however my mom is portraying herself to these people. but it was also really weird. i guess she has problems of her own and constantly used my mom to vent and even said she wanted to live with us at some point. yeah i dont think so.

so anyway, with that context, i go out of my room and end up hearing this phone conversation. i dont know how my mom completely seemed to not notice me as i made some noise, at first i made no attempt to hide myself because i figured it was a random phone call. but instead, as i leave, i hear she is talking about me to this woman. obviously not positively. i just about lost my breath when i heard this woman tell my mom, “you should stop buying her food. dont bring any food home, and eventually she will be forced to find her own money to get food.”

excuse me? what kind of devious plans are being made against me all the time? it already seems like my mom actively tries to sabotage whatever i do (such as attempting to cancel my therapy appointments, yes, she tried that and failed because.. you cant cancel MY appointments), but now theres a discussion about starving me? this is in the middle of me receiving a work exemption form from my therapist, by the way, that my mom was telling me to get. so, you tell me to hurry and get a work exemption form, yet you talk behind my back about starving me and forcing me to find my own money and food. HOW EXACTLY? 

this is what i mean when i often say things are against me here, there is literally always a plan to try and fuck me over somehow all because i exist, i guess. its not like we often have tons of food in the house anyway. ive been lucky enough to have friends who have offered to send me food and have been very generous to me even from different states. maybe i can ESCAPE with them too.

welcome to the worst week ive had in a long time. well, to be honest, most of my life is pretty shit but i mean this week was a lot more physical and personal, both of which are never fun.

first, i got food poisoning after visiting a buffet and eating sushi. some may say thats not a good idea but ive done that for years and it never happened to me before until now. i rarely get sick, actually. whether it be colds or flu or even throwing up. i HATE throwing up, so it was pretty awful and gross and was one of the worst days for me.

im now going through a.. split. that i dont really feel like talking about for some reason, i guess i just like being private. but its hard for me to talk to anyone without feeling emotional. ive always said i seemed to have lost my ability to cry unless i get very frustrated and someone were to push me towards it. but this does show i can cry. im a human after all. its weird, i havent cried this much since i lost an old friend of mine. it just happens randomly over and over again and i have to hide it so my mom wont see and i wont have to explain it to her. because if i have to do that, ill cry more. crying in front of people is hard for me and also embarrassing... probably because when i do cry, usually my mom mocks me for it so i try not to.

soon, my time of the month will come in the next few days. great. more physical pain. ive already had headaches all week. not looking forward to this at all.

okay, living with my mom is really the most draining thing ever. living with your parents is normal, especially at my age. but i really dont know much i can take at this point. this is probably going to be a lot, so sorry to anyone reading who doesnt know or doesnt care. but hey, i figured i can talk about anything here and i will because this is my journal now. wahh, im just so tired right now and this gives me a lot of stress which doesnt help my physical health. i feel all tired and kinda sick now. sorry, youre about to hear how shit my life is. i dont really like to tell people because its a lot and then people feel bad or its weird but i cant really lie and i may as well get it out when i want..

first of all, my mom is a major narcissist. winning an argument with her is impossible. she quite literally believes and openly says shes never wrong. she sees herself as "the nicest person ever" (once again, her own words like DAILY) and she only gets mad when other people "provoke her". in reality, she really has anger problems. she will get upset over very small things, and often times she likes to go out drinking so that doesnt help either. someone coming home drunk and yelling at you is never a fun experience. and this happens every week. it happened today, again.

she hates to be wrong. and then she gets mad easily if she is, or she'll just start an argument for no reason. find something to be upset about. even little things. then, her thing is to try and provoke me as much as possible. she really likes to try and make me upset. she'll yell, scream, call me names, or threaten me and if i at all react, i become the one whos evil all of a sudden. honestly, its really fucked up. the worst part is that she'll try to call people on the phone to tell them im the one who "randomly started attacking her". aint that shit crazy? if i try to defend myself, well then im just a liar. according to her, "im the worst person shes ever met"... apparently.

i cant really do much to change this or to please my mom, to be honest. i get in trouble a lot for "not doing much" everyday, but also if i try to, then im "not doing anything right" or somehow its not perfect or good enough. so... am i supposed to do it or not? plus, i cant go anywhere else or something. i guess i have some extended family but i literally never see them. and also, i couldnt stay with a friend because all of them are online for me. i dont know anybody in person. thats the hard part. im just kinda stuck here for like.. i dont know, the forseeable future.

not gonna lie, my life feels pretty hopeless a lot of the time. okay, this is actually weird and embarrassing to admit. i guess i never tell anyone my feelings much, but thats how i feel living here at least. i dont really have much going for me in the present or future. everything sucks... home sucks... getting a job would suck... finishing school would SUCK... i just wish i could live with somebody cool. id do like chores or something for any of my friends just so i could live there instead. i dont really give a shit. life in general SUCKS. i actually think im cursed. health problems, brain problems, shitty parents, also poor. so theres that.